inanna31 (inanna31) wrote in grrl_interupted,

My moment of dissociation last Tuesday

They look at you.
You stare right back.
They can't look long. You've stared them down. They don't know you. Emotions are thick like blood but they don't understand. Too thick sometimes to resist. Makes you want to sleep in it forever. Drown yourself in it. Most days you ignore it.

Funny how life drama, emergencies, obstacles... they snap you into reality long enough to care and fix everything but you. What happens though, when life begins to go right? How do you enjoy it when there's nothing to fix anymore? Of course they'll always be obstacles in life... nothing is perfect. And that's fine. But the in between tims, when there is nothing wrong. I can't enjoy it. That's when it really begins. Buzzing like static in your head. Flashes of light and dark form into images. Your heart bangs so hard you hope it goes so fast it just gives up.

It scares me to think about. I've already tried a couple times. When your already numb it doesn't hurt. A monster growing inside you. Feels like claws from the inside trying to fight it's way out. I used to think I knew who this monster was, and it drove me crazy knowing it was in me. Now I realize that there is a possibility that this monster is made up of many people, thoughts and fears of my own. Now I'm wonderingif I'll ever escape, and what that escape will mean.
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